A variation on a World Cup joke that was posted here some weeks ago:
According to Boston Globe columnist Bob Ryan this morning, as the teams were leaving the field after yesterday's Colts/Patriots game, star wide receiver Randy Moss found a cell phone on the floor of the tunnel to the visitor's locker room at the RCA Dome. He immediately recognized it and returned to the field to give the phone to rookie referee John Parry. Parry was grateful to get his phone back, but inquired of Moss how he had known who the phone belonged to.
"Easy," Moss told him, "I just looked at the display. It said, 'Nine Missed Calls.' Figured it had to be yours."
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Zen Teachings
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.
2. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
3. No one is listening until you fart.
4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
10. If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
12. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the wind screen.
13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
14. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and most of that comes from bad judgment.
15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
16. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass ... then things just get worse.
20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
3. No one is listening until you fart.
4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
10. If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
12. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the wind screen.
13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
14. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and most of that comes from bad judgment.
15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
16. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass ... then things just get worse.
20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Friday, October 17, 2008
Ooh, almost forgot this one
My buddy Duke (how appropriate) told me the most horrendous and humiliating public shitting story I've ever heard. He was at a festival-type all day concert, but they had proper toilet facilities, not port-o-potties. And he had a kettle of volatile diarrhea brewing so he went and got in line for the crapper. It was a bathroom for a large venue so it had lots of urinals but also lots of toilet stalls, only they had no doors for some reason. So the place is packed to capacity and the line (queue) stretches out the door. So you have to stand there facing the row of occupied stalls waiting your turn, looking at people's backs if they're pissing or their genitals if they dared sit. Few dared. One by one people finish their business and walk out and the the next guy immediately takes his spot. So Duke's the next man, and the crapper right in front of the line opens up. He's noted the absence of stall doors by now, but there's nothing for it. He's going to explode. He's got to go. But as with every public-toilet-drunken-concert situation, the raise-the-seat-before-you-piss rule had been abandoned early on, so he's not about to sit on the piss-splattered thing. So he does the awkward hovering squat that I hear the womenfolk speak of now and then, sort of half leaning back and bracing one hand against the wall for balance. He's got his pants down to his knees, legs spread enough to keep them from falling all the way down, because the floor is a under minor flood of urine, and his man bits are on display for the line of guys waiting their turn. I guess none of us are accustomed to having to actually aim with our anuses and Duke was no exception. Because when he let rip, it didn't go down - - it went back - - in an explosive spray of giblets and gravy. The whole line of guys in front of him is recoiling in disgust and trying to look elsewhere and Duke's just frozen there in horror and helpless humiliation, thinking, "Sorry! Oh fuck, sorry!". And he wasn't finished. He tried to correct his aim but it was really no good in that squat position, so a couple more quick salvos went onto the wall and floor. He finishes, wipes, buttons up, takes a quick, pained look at his large mess and just has to leave. And he has to walk out right past the long line of guys who've just witnessed him paint the stall with his shit mud. It's hilarious now, but dear God, that must have been horrible.
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